I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
