my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
