Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
