The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
