I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
