I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
