My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
