Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need to sanitize my soul.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
