the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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