I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
