Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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