I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
