Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
