my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
