If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
