either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
