Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
