I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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