He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
