Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
