so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
