Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
