I just threw up on my dentist
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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