Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I had to cum in my sink.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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