Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
