i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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