When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
