The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
