True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
