Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
