Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
