I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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