I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
