Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
