his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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