I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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