Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
