just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
