I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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