i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
