Apparently you make a good broom.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
