I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
