How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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