get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
