This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
