I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
