Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
