One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to cum in my sink.
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