it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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