Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
