If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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