The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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